Leaving You Behind, Mama

This is the eve of the new year. 2009. What will it bring? The end to a year that has been stressful along the way. I lost my mother in February. I still feel I haven’t properly grieved her death. It is so sad that I did not get the opportunity to say goodbye to her before she left. I had not seen her since 2000 when i was home for my father’s funeral. I kept intending to go home, yet never did. I did not want to see my mother’s frailty. She had become very forgetful, demented, and now the autopsy showed beginning Alzheimer’s Disease. Watching this mountain of a woman grow smaller and fade from the world before she did was painful to me. I couldn’t really bear it. So, I found one excuse after another to avoid what I had hoped to inevitably face this summer. But it was not to be.

My mother loved us. She was hard, critical. But I know she loved us. I longed for more demonstrations of softness, of understanding from her. But most words from her mouth were like little daggers aimed at my heart. I’ve always been too sensitive. 

Mama loved us. She did what she had to do to provide a stable and loving home for us. Thing is it wasn’t always quiet because of the squabbles between her and Daddy. But that’s another story. But because of her we had a nice house, and had the best that she could provide, including college educations. 

As the youngest sister of Joe Louis, former heavyweight boxing champion of the world, she had been blessed to have a college education herself. She knew the value, as did most African-Americans of her time. This was the ticket out of ignorance into a life of possibilities. She wanted us to have that. She wanted us to be safe and healthy, the same things I now want for my own son. 

I miss you, Mama. I’m sorry I am leaving 2008 and moving into a year of bright possibility without you. You would have been so proud of President-elect Barack Obama, the first real African-American president of our country. I remember how you claimed Bill Clinton as your son.  We all felt proud of what he accomplished during his presidency. You would have loved this moment. Well, that is, if it would have even registered in your mind that turned only within those last days. Still, I like to hope that you would have peeked out from your world for just a moment to take notice of the moment.

When I think of how she died, my heart breaks. No one should have to die as she did. I prefer to think she walked out of her body upon seeing the angels waiting for her, and left this earth before her body even touched the ground. I like that idea. But I don’t know for sure.  All I know is that I am missing her and letting go is still difficult. 

One of my prayers for 2009 is that my heart heal and I find peace about my mother’s transition. I want to know that she has gone on and is at peace wherever she is. I want her to know that I miss her and that I’m sorry I never said goodbye. 

If you listen closely you hear….nothing..

If you listen closely you hear….nothing..
Originally uploaded by soleá

Actually, you hear the wee small voice within and this is really important. This is best heard when on the surface you hear nothing like this kind of a day. Ah, what a great bit of timing. So quiet you could hear a snowflake fall?

It is this stillness, this quiet that I want access to but seem to thwart by avoiding it. Why do I resist the ten to twenty minutes that lead me into the land of peace?

I haven’t updated for a while but have added a couple of recent pix of where my sisterlocks are now. I’ve debated about cutting them off because upkeep has been difficult. I finally figured out how to do some basic re-tightening myself.

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Has Gone

“I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day.”

I named this blog after that song because it’s a song my mother used to sing and hum around the house during her later years. Well, she also used to sing Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called to Say I Love You,” but this one comes more readily to mind as I always wondered what she could now see clearly. There was always that implication behind the way she sang it.

Mama’s gone now. She passed away Feb. 18 and still much on my mind. So, in a way, I call this blog after the song to keep Mama just there in my consciousness.

But I also use the words of the song to suggest that I am coming out of the Matrix. I am learning (and have learned) some interesting things as I have traversed the spiritual path. How I’m finally coming to see that we’ve been sold a bill of goods that ain’t worth pluck. Whether told to follow the road down traditional religion (and I’ve been down a few of those), or down the “yellow-brick road” to the New Age shore, we’ve been inculcated with the belief that our salvation lies in some others’ hands. Truth is, we are responsible for our own salvation, and in every way.

While I have long known that traditional religion hopes we don’t figure out that salvation is a one-on-one proposition, I never thought about the New Age movement. Recently I have read some of the writings of Bronte Baxter, who writes a lot about Hindu religions and they have brought to mind new ideas about some New Age teachings. What I hadn’t thought about before is that not unlike Christians who await Jesus’ second coming, New Agers expect some beings from elsewhere to intervene in Earth’s and humanity’s destiny. Sirians, Pleiadians, or you-name-them, will save us from ourselves in some major time of change. The current marker is 2012. Perhaps I’ll write about that elsewhere.

Thing is, whether or not Jesus or E.T.s are coming, we still have to be about the business of fixing what we’ve broken. It is up to us to take care of the planet, ourselves and look out for our brother/neighbor. I really think no one else is going to do it. Whether or not we get some heavenly or other assistance, the bulk of the job is ours. God helps those who help themselves, right?

already i wonder if i’ve taken on too much with my commitment to blogging the hair life. i think i don’t know if i will feel like writing regularly, or even if i will have anything of significance to say. i will endeavor to say something as long as i can, at least, until interest wanes.

i’ve been seeing a lot of women mention that they feel their sisterlocks aren’t doing as they want them to be doing. i’m only one month old so i guess i don’t yet have much to complain about. mine are short and i’m not so happy about that. what’s more my hair isn’t growing too fast these days (it used to grow quickly) and i’m not too happy about that, either. is it age? that’s the only reason i can see for the change.

i have a great sisterlock consultant — she is very serious about her work, and has integrity. i’m pleased about that.

having finally gotten sisterlocks after years of wanting but not being able to (mostly because there was never a consultant where I was living), I’ve decided to try and blog a bit again about the experience of my natural hair. But natural hair is not a new phenomenom to me. I have had most of my life–since I was about 17 years old.

this photo is of dr. joanne cornwell, the inventer of the Sisterlocks way of locking hair. her hair is long and lovely, albeit, too long for me! but i think she has done a nice service for women with spiral hair in creating such a wonderful styling option for natural hair.

what’s the use in having a bunch of blogs dedicated to this or that if i’m not going to keep them all going? i think i start things with certain whims and then get drawn into other ideas. i have a lot of things i want to talk about, but i don’t want to mix up the topics. this one, i suppose, is just a kind of everyday type blog–meant to chatter about the general things of life. others are geared toward spirituality. one will be geared toward creativity–writing mainly. not sure what else i’ll want to take a stab at.

anywho…cherry is in maui and i’m sure she must be enjoying herself. shame on her if she isn’t. i wish i was in a position to travel right now. i’d prolly have joined her, or perhaps i would have taken a trip east. i’m longing to explore the likes of north and south carolina, virginina, florida, maryland, alabama. i still feel the ancestors have something for me to see over there and one day i just might up and go and set a spell.

sometimes there is too much going on at one time.

Mist

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Mist, originally uploaded by frielp.

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